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Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Motivational Reading



When Andie asked me to write this entry, I thought easy. I can do that. What inspires me from reading other’s blogs? The answer is so simple. It’s… Hrm. What does inspire me? So after thinking about this long and hard, I realized it’s not a simple answer. I’ll pare it down to this.

I have enjoyed blogging since about 2003. It gave my out-of-work-pregnant-butt the motivation to be productive. Reading my “daily reads” became as routine as reading the newspaper. I needed to continue reading to stay informed because in this day and age of rapid-fire tweets and Facebook updates, it’s easy to feel left out of the loop in a hurry. That said, it’s a two way street; to get read you also need to write.

Blogging is such a narcissistic hobby. As the writer, we want comments, hits, and a regular following . It feeds the megalomaniacal monkey on our backs. However, it’s not long before beginning to write that you ask yourself, so now what? I’ve run out of ideas. Read my friends. Assuming your blog was noteworthy at some point or another, you are likely to have received a comment from a stranger. Read their blog. Even if you hate it, there is likely to be something you can borrow. An idea for a topic, an interesting, or a global game like The Freaking Green Elf Shorts.

** Aside note: Interestingly, many of my blog-friends have been past winners of the shorts.

Many things have inspired me in the past. In the end, at the risk of sounding like a greeting card, its the friendships I’ve made online that seem to get my creative juices flowing. Take this one for example. I met Loralee from a post I did regarding my love of John Denver. She found me based on this random fact and we’ve found that we have a lot more in common - not all of it good. The things that makes me love her blog though? Her writing style. She has a youthful vibe in her words that I only wish I could emulate. I try, believe me I do.

The other reason friends rock? They will gladly kick you in the butt for delaying their daily/weekly/monthly/whathaveyou read. Few will keep coming back if you don’t write something, anything. Even if it’s a silly photo or song (I once used the Bad Day song by Daniel Powter on my page for a month until Tazzy and Piggy suggested I axe it. I thought it worked as my theme song. They kindly disagreed with me.) Point is? The same post staring them in the face won’t sell. I know, I’ve tried the “disappearance” and that’s what you get, disappearing readers. I just try to remember to write bird-by-bird and cross my fingers that my brainwave of the moment was a good one.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Beautiful Dreamer


Sort of.

Monday, August-16-10

Last night, I dreamt of being at some kind of club’s meeting, like a common interest group or something, with my husband and other couples. When the meeting was winding down, we were getting out coats on and things (so oddly it was winter, even though it is actually summer), and I was reminding people of our get together upcoming. Suddenly, many excuses were being given and it seemed that my party or whatever wasn’t going to be too eventful. Remaining optimistic at this point, and making my goodbyes, I go to rejoin my husband. I can hear him talking with some of the gents there a la the movie Hangover.

I am suddenly in the grocery store and it is a bright morning. I’m looking over some produce (at the grocery store of my girlhood neighbourhood) and realizing I am not sure what if anything, I want/can buy. A man approaches me carrying a coffee and while he seems charming, and we banter playfully for a while, I am distrustful of him. Suddenly, the store merges into a hospital and as I venture further in, I realize it is abandoned and it’s like some kind of maze. I am like a mystery character from “Scooby Doo” searching for a way in further to “figure it all out”. (Hey, don’t ask me, I’m just the dreamer, I don’t know why.)

Somewhere inside, I find the boys just leaving a dental surgery area I don’t know how, but it seemed from the time that I was saying goodbye to some friends and grocery shopping, no time had actually passed really and I was still just meeting back up with my husband. They were all very high off the laughing gas. He was legitimately getting some dentistry work done, but the others (maybe 2?) helped themselves to the supply and were acting fools.

I’m not sure if it was only my omnipotent self or the “me” in my dream realized that they were going to be leaving me somewhere to fend for myself, but something was wrong with the car when we reached it. Maybe it was a slippery slope and no parking brake, or maybe it was changing a tire, or a flat battery, but whatever the reason, the group of men drove off drunkenly in one car.

Somehow this scenario became something of permanence and I had to learn to fend for myself in the cold, wintry streets of the city. In order to come out of the cold, I entered a bar. Upon looking down at myself, I realized I was dressed tantalizingly like a pro. Bending over a cigarette machine in the vestibule, a gentleman forced himself into my ass, lubricated by the seedy woman’s saliva who had been working on his pole moments before he saw me. I cried out, but was in no position to argue and was happy when I was able to be disengaged from the large man.

Entering further, I realized that not only was he grimy and looked entirely homeless, but the whole smoky atmosphere had the filthy look of a speakeasy; peepshow/whorehouse that had made it’s impromptu home in an abandoned warehouse. Next thing I know, I am being forced onto stage to do a vulgar show amidst electrical arcs similar to live wires recently pulled down. I am being violated in every way possible. Every office is stuffed by several people of both sexes. I myself am performing fellatio on a male escort. I am not aroused in this dream however; I am disgusted – with the raping, with my powerlessness and the filth of all of it. I am unable to escape the other whores (which it is now evident I am – a slave whore) because at the end of the stage, is a madam not to be contended with.

Amidst the hoots and peals of approval by the savage brutes in the audience, I see my own husband looking happily at me. I am a seasoned pro now, hardened by a life of living this way. The show comes to a close, and before a man can choose me as his evening’s concubine, I somehow escape through a ladder in the wings to an access panel in the roof. In the parking lot, I am gang banged by many men and I am screaming, but I am not unsurprised by this turn of events. Struggling to my feet, I make my way across the back lot of the strip joint and upon reaching the alleyway, it is the end of our meeting again, and I, my husband and the guys are just about to pile into our cars.

There was more to this dream I know, I am barely get the cusp of it written, but you get the idea I think of its marvelous weirdness. This is the sort of crap I dream every night. *sigh*

With special thanks!

Anal Sex
To dream about anal sex, represents submission. You may be afraid to yield to the wants and desires of others.

Oral Sex

To dream that you are giving or receiving oral sex, signifies your willingness to give or receive pleasure/joy. It is symbolic of your creative energy and reaffirms that you are headed in the right direction in life. The dream may also be a pun on "talking about sex." Perhaps, you need to communicate with your mate about your sexual needs and desires. Or you are acting out your sexual wishes.


Sex
To dream about sex, refers to the integration and merging of contrasting aspects of yourself. It represents psychological completion. You need to be more receptive and incorporate aspects of your dream sex partner into your own character. Consider the nature of the love-making. Was it passionate? Was it slow? Was it wild? The sex act parallels aspect of yourself that you wish to express. A more direct interpretation of the dream, may be your libido's way of telling you that it has been too long since you have had sex.It may indicate repressed sexual desires and your needs for physical and emotional love.If you are looking for a place to have sex, then the dream may be analogous to your search for intimacy and closeness. You want to rekindle some relationship. If you dream of having sex in a public place, then the dream implies that others are talking about your private relationship. To see your parents having sex in your dream, indicate that you are seeing similar aspects between their relationship and your current relationship. Most of us cringe at the thought of our parents having sex, so this dream imagery is really trying to get your attention. Consider your parents' real life relationship together and what you can learn from it.

To dream about sex with someone other than your spouse or significant other, suggests dissatisfaction with the physical side of your relationship. On the other hand, it may be harmless fantasy. In such situations, you may find that you are less inhibited sexually. Perhaps you need to bring the same sense of adventure into your existing relationship. If you dream that you are having sex with a celebrity, then it indicates your drive to be successful. You are striving for recognition. Consider what movies your associate this celebrity with for clues as to where and what you want to achieve success in.

If you dream that you are having sex with a stranger, then it represents uncertainty about what is ahead. Alternatively, the dream allows you to experiment freely without having any hang ups, emotional baggage or preconceived notions associated with a person you would know. In such a scenario, you are able to let loose and express your desires, passions and emotions.

If you are heterosexual and you dream that you are having sex with someone of the same sex, then it represents an expression of greater self love and acceptance. You need to be in better touch of your feminine or masculine side. The dream does not necessarily imply homosexual desire.


Strip Club
To dream that you are in a strip club, signifies repressed sexual thoughts or ideas that you are yearning to let out. You are ready to explore aspects of your own sexuality.

Prostitute

To dream that you are a prostitute, indicates your desires for more sexual freedom/expression and sexual power. You want to be less inhibited and explore other areas of sexuality. Perhaps your waking ideology about sex is too rigid. On a negative side, to dream that you are a prostitute suggests that you are harboring feelings of guilt toward a relationship. You are having difficulties integrating love and sexuality. Alternatively, the dream may be a metaphor suggesting that you are "prostituting" yourself in some situation, either emotionally or morally. Are you selling yourself in some way?


Vending Machine

To see a vending machine in your dream, represents the things that are just outside of your grasp or reach. You need to invest a little more effort before your goals come to fruition. Consider what is inside the vending machine for further significance.


Orgy

To see an orgy in your dream, signifies repressed desires of your own sexuality and passion.Perhaps you are too conservative in your sex life and need to experiment. It may also mean that there is some sort of confusion in how and where you distribute your energies. You may be going into too many directions and as a result, are spread too thin.


Store

To see or be in a grocery or convenience store in your dream, suggests that you are emotionally and mentally strained. Alternatively, you may be brainstorming for new ideas or looking for the various choices out there for you. Alternatively, the dream may be a pun on what is in "store" for you. And thus it could signify the inevitable.


Bananas
To see bananas in your dream, may be a metaphor for repressed sexual urges and desires. It is a phallic symbol and represents masculine sexuality.

Muffin
To see or eat a muffin in your dream, signifies your taste for exquisite and expensive things in life. As a term of endearment, the dream may also refer to your loved one.

Winter
To dream of winter, signifies ill-health, depression, and misfortune. The dream may be analogous to how you are feeling - emotionally cold and frigid. Alternatively, winter is a time of reflection and spiritual introspection.

Ice
To see ice in your dream, suggests that you are lacking a flow of ideas and thoughts. You are not seeing any progress in your life. Alternatively, you may be feeling emotionally paralyzed or rigid. You need to let your feelings be known.
To dream that you are walking on ice, indicates that you are standing on shaky or unstable ground. You need to proceed with caution in some matter or situation. Alternatively, the dream also suggests that you are taking risks that you shouldn't be taking

Car
To dream that you are driving a car, denotes your ambition, your drive and your ability to navigate from one stage of your life to another. Consider how smooth or rough the car ride is. If you are driving the car, then you are taking an active role in the way your life is going. However, if you are the passenger, then you are taking a passive role. If you are in the backseat of the car, then it indicates that you are putting yourself down and are allowing others to take over. This may be a result of low self-esteem or low self-confidence. Overall, this dream symbol is an indication of your dependence and degree of control you have on your life

.
To dream that you car has been stolen, indicates that you are being stripped of your identity. This may relate to losing your job, a failed relationship, or some situation which has played a significant role in your identity and who you are as a person.

To see a parked car in your dream, suggests that you need to turn your efforts and energies elsewhere. You may be needlessly spending your energy in a fruitless endeavor. Alternatively, a parked car may symbolize your need to stop and enjoy life. To dream that you cannot find where you parked your car, suggests that you do not know where you want to go in life.

*Please see Also Automobile.


Automobile
To dream that you are riding in an automobile, signifies that even in pleasant situations, you will still be restless and uneasy.

Dentist

To dream that you are at the dentist, represents your concerns about your appearance. Alternatively, it suggests that you are having some doubt over the sincerity and honor of some person in your life. You are experiencing some momentary anxiety or pain, but you will be a better and stronger person for it in the long run.


Gas
To smell or see gas in your dream, indicates that you need to be re energized.There may be a situation in your life that you are having difficulty in getting a handle on

Roof
To see a roof in your dream, symbolizes a barrier between two states of consciousness. You are protecting or sheltering your consciousness, mentality, and beliefs. The dream provides an overview of how you see yourself and who you think you are.

To dream that you are on top of a roof, symbolizes boundless success. If you fall off the roof, then it suggests that you do not have a firm grip and solid foundation on your advanced position.


Escape
To dream that you escape from injury, from an animal, or from any situation, signifies your good health and prosperity. You will experience a favorable turn of events.

Fire Escape
To see or use a fire escape in your dream, suggests that you need to distance yourself from a harmful situation. You need to give yourself space.


Parking Lot
To dream that you are in parking lot, suggests that you need to slow down and take time from your daily activities.


Maze
To dream that you are in a maze, denotes that you need to deal with a waking task on a more direct level. You are making the situation harder than it really is. Alternatively, the maze symbolizes life's twists and turns. It represents indecision, confusion, missteps, feeling lost or being misled.

Hospital
To see or dream that you are in a hospital, symbolizes your need to heal or improve your physical or mental health. You need to get back to the flow of everyday life. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you are giving up control of your own body. Perhaps you are afraid of losing control of your body.


A Dream Analysis


Sunday, August-15-10

I dreamt of having sex with a boy of about 13-15. It’s strange that I can’t remember now, because in my dream it was clear to me -- his age. I know he was young enough that he didn’t have an open pore or mark on his perfect baby face. He never had used a razor obviously. He believed we were in love. I knew better. The odd thing was, the sex act itself was wonderful. It was tender, and loving and natural. We’d been spending some time individually alone in the Olympic, lit up swimming pool at his abundant home, away from the vulturous eyes of family and friends. Oddly, we began to relate to one another in a loner-kind-of-way and it felt right. Almost immediately after it happened, I realized it was something I wanted to forget ever occurred. Following me around like a lost puppy dog and hoping I’d play video games or plan a date with him I tried to distance myself diplomatically.

Walking down the street, and ignoring the childish attempts at conversation from my unexpected lover, I leave my friends, a couple, to continue walking ahead of me, and enter a building on the left with my admirer in pursuit. I climb the stairs immediately before me, and find they end in an unfinished/locked off area. Feeling devilish, I break in with my young-love and revert back to the hierarchy of pleasantries I was experiencing with the young boy moments before we made love. It was easy, and comfortable, and while it was probably too close (because in reality, this is the sort of close friendship one has with a husband or boyfriend) I enjoyed being around him. We hear a noise, and realize it is the handyman there to repair this elevator shaft or mechanical doorway or whatever this is and silently crept down a few stairs and waited with bated breath and hearts a thumping. Then, my friends noisily enter the building and tell us to get a move on. We don’t waste time wondering about the old janitor.


Dangerously, when he realized that I had used him and did something I shouldn’t have, hell hath no fury like an adolescent scorned. He went crying to his parents and extended family at this dinner party I was in attendance of that he’d experienced a break up. In disbelief they learned that I was the “little boy crush” and in fact, it had gone beyond infatuation, and leapt into the realm of adult physical love. The other grown ups were trying to therapeutically explain to him that I was the adult. That what I did was wrong, that he did nothing wrong and was not accountable for his feelings. I knew this was true. I felt awful. I was confronted, judged and threatened by each and every one of them all at once. I could feel their hatred and disgust with my perverse self. I knew that I was realistically trying to deny to myself what I was, but the label was an aberration in itself to me. Pedophile. I was one of those people I despised the most. I wanted to believe that I had made a simple mistake that I could just fib my way out of. When in doubt, deny. They weren’t buying it and it was becoming a lynching. In the dark and wet street I could see the face of my object of love. It was seething, revenge driven, and brokenhearted. I felt pain for hurting him, stealing his innocence, and a loss of (selfishly) his love and affection. I awoke feeling bitter and unsettled.

************Translation with thanks ***********************

Pedophile
To dream that you are a pedophile signifies a transitional phase in your life. You want to explore and experiment. This dream may leave you extremely disturbed, ashamed or embarrassed, but it does not necessarily mean that you have pedophilic tendencies. Perhaps you are feeling ambiguous or insecure about your own sexuality.

Swimming Pool
To see a swimming pool in your dream, symbolizes relaxation, calmness, luxury and ease. You need to take a break. Alternatively, a swimming pool suggests that you need to acknowledge and understand your feelings. It is time to dive in and deal with those emotions. You need to cleanse yourself and wash away those past hurts.

Party
To dream that you are at a party, suggests that you need to get out more and enjoy yourself. If the party is a bad one, then it indicates that you are unsure of your social skills.

Guilt
To dream that you feel guilty about something, relates to how you are handling your successes and failures or competence and incompetence. You may feel undeserving of your achievements. Or on the other hand, you feel that you have let others down. Alternatively, the dream is symbolic of repressed and negative feelings that you may have about yourself.


Street
To see a street in your dream, symbolizes your life's path. The condition of the street reflects how much control you have over the direction of your life. Consider also the name on the street as it may offer some significance or advice to the meaning of the dream. To see or travel on side streets in your dream, refer to a need to explore an alternative way of life

Pavement
To see or walk on pavement in your dream, suggests that you have a clear understanding and grasp of a situation. You are standing on solid ground. The dream may also indicate that you have paved and laid out a firm path toward your life goals.

Wet

To dream that you are wet indicates that you are overcome with emotions. It also signifies a spiritual cleansing, rebirth or renewal. Alternatively, the dream may imply sexual arousal.
**NOTE: I wasn’t wet, but the street was!

Night
To have a dream that takes place at night, represents some major setbacks and obstacles in achieving your goals. You are being faced with an issue that is not so clear cut. Perhaps, you should put the issues aside so you can clear your head and come back to it later. Alternatively, night may be synonymous with death, rebirth, reflection, and new beginnings.

Sex
To dream about sex, refers to the integration and merging of contrasting aspects of yourself. It represents psychological completion. You need to be more receptive and incorporate aspects of your dream sex partner into your own character. Consider the nature of the love-making. Was it passionate? Was it slow? Was it wild?

The sex act parallels aspect of yourself that you wish to express. A more direct interpretation of the dream, may be your libido's way of telling you that it has been too long since you have had sex. It may indicate repressed sexual desires and your needs for physical and emotional love.


If you dream of having sex in a public place, then the dream implies that others are talking about your private relationship.

To dream about sex with someone other than your spouse or significant other, suggests dissatisfaction with the physical side of your relationship. On the other hand, it may be harmless fantasy. In such situations, you may find that you are less inhibited sexually. Perhaps you need to bring the same sense of adventure into your existing relationship.

If you dream that you are having sex with a stranger, then it represents uncertainty about what is ahead. Alternatively, the dream allows you to experiment freely without having any hang ups, emotional baggage or preconceived notions associated with a person you would know. In such a scenario, you are able to let loose and express your desires, passions and emotions.

Starting to Get The Writing Bug Again.


Baby steps, right? I know I am not ready to go to the place that fiction and soul searching takes me. Each time I lose someone who has been close to me, it seems to take me about 5 years to get to a place where I can deal with my feelings head on. Even make-believe ones necessary for fiction. But, blogging was my friend once when I was pregnant for the second time in my life, 9 years later, with a different baby-daddy and finding it hard to find anyone close to me able to empathize with the ups and downs of my hormone-laden feelings.

It's not that I liked being subversive, but I felt I just was. I was going to have a son. I had a mother-in-law that not only didn't know her place, but seemed hell bent on convincing me that "this time it would be different" and that "that other time" wasn't a real baby. This one was her son's blood. I watched my daughter shrink sadly to the corner when I felt she should be shining. She used to ask me, why doesn't my Gramma love me? It would break my heart. I didn't know how to tell an innocent girl that through no fault of her own, she would always be inferior and barely good enough for the odd urge that MIL got to fulfill of dressing up a living doll in charming dresses. Instead, right or wrong, I told her that Gramma had only had experience with boys in her life, since Daddy was an only child, and that it was just easier to relate to her grandson. She'd smile sadly at me, and wise beyond her years she'd nod and quietly return to the shadows.

It was hard. I knew I was conflicted. I knew it wasn't right the way I felt, but I felt I had to love the sunshine in my life twice as much for what she was lacking elsewhere. I was sad. I wanted to love my new arrival as much as I loved my first born. I wondered, is this just because he is Secondus? That Primus somehow held a more powerful, supremest position in my heart? Was I experiencing some kind of postpartum depression? Was I crazy for getting angry when everyone (seemingly) was telling me what it would be like to have a newborn and I'd bitingly reply I was already a mother?

Anyway, my point is, it made me find a lot of friends. I speak with many of them to this day on facebook. I exchange Christmas cards with some and the occasional special piece of mail or a heartfelt personal email. This meant so much to me in bleak times where I was trying to find that elusive light at the end of the tunnel and chasing dangling carrots all the way to nowhere.

I am healing. I am going through a very different part of my journey now, but there is just the faintest glimmer of light at the end of this path. I like to imagine, that that light contains friends and love and self-acceptance and contentment with where I am and what I have. I am hoping that my erratic postings to this blog will be the vehicle that gets me there.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Scared

The theme song of my life at the moment. I am afraid to write this post because someone may take offense to it, namely everyone in my universe. I do not want to be medicated anymore. But, everyone else seems to know what is best for me. Even the person I cared about most in this world. My husband. I know that all will be denied. I know that I will be labeled insane. I think that people around me are using medications to screw up my head. There I said it. I am switching from one pill to another pill to another pill and then there are those around me using that to their advantage. Each time a chemical imbalance occurs, it is so easy then to give me say a muscle relaxant to screw up another receptor, or something say I'm mildly allergic to to make me feel sick and wonder what the heck is wrong with me, or say just a moment of sadness at what has been happening with me and someone feels that I shouldn't be this sad and upset. I am screwed in the head. I know it. I feel I am being punished for something. What did I do to deserve this though? No one deserves this. These drugs are not mixing well and my brain is so cross wired that I feel like swiss cheese.

I wish I could think straight.
I wish I wasn't afraid.
I wish I could turn back time to when I thought that everyone around me loved and cared for me.
I can't.

I keep asking myself....what would have been the harm in letting me believe that I was loved. God, why couldn't I have died in that fire? I would have died believing my husband and family grieved me. Maybe that is a selfish thought. But, right now? I am left with the knowledge that people in this earth felt I had a daughter I didn't deserve, a life I didn't deserve, I husband I didn't deserve and now I must pay for all of them.

Do I know that someone (someone who would know my passwords to my gmail and therefore my blogger) is going to read this and then with that inside knowledge is going to hurt me further? Yes. Sadly. But for my own sanity, I needed to write this down. I needed to pretend for the moment that this stupid, cry for help was private. I needed to pretend that God or my deceased daughter is listening.

Is that crazy? I am thinking that there are loads of people then that also are.

I am mourning.

Not only the life of my daughter and how very much I will miss her.
I am mourning for myself.
I am mourning for my son.
I am mourning for our future.
I feel it is all over.

Rereading what I've written, it sounds so very much like I am suicidal/psychotic.
Chemically speaking, I am.
Will anyone out there believe me?
No.
Can anyone out there help me?
No.
Do I know my fate and still feel powerless?
Yes.
Do I know that it is entirely possible that some helpful soul will dose me once too many times, and cause my death either directly or indirectly?
Yes.
Will it appear to be suicide?
Yes.
Are there "friends" or "family" that would secretly love to see me deteriorate and then be first in line to tell the world how they only wanted to help me?
Oh god, I"m so afraid that the answer is yes.

Writing this down, I realize there isn't a soul out there with enough compassion to see things how I see them. I sound like a lunatic, therefore, I must be one.

I am so afraid.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Has it Really Been 2 Months Already?!?

It is nearing the end of summer. The very worst one of my life. Funny how I wished for it to come for so long and yearned for the warmth that I now fear so strongly. It was so yearned for, we took our first family Caribbean vacation last Christmas. It breaks my heart now that we didn't enjoy this last one as a family, in the traditional togetherness. A painful reminder of all the vacations that will now never come to pass.
You see, my daughter left this world on June 22nd, 2008.
There isn't a moment currently my mind is not on this sad day in some form or another.
I still feel like my very worst possible scenario fears have come to pass.
I am told time is the only saving grace from the misery, but sometimes, I wish I could either stop time, or go back in it.
However, I guess I will have to wait and see.
As hard as this is...I choose to live.